A Firefighters Wife

Sometimes I get asked what it is like to be married to a firefighter. I always find the question a little odd because in my mind I am married to my best friend not a firefighter. I imagine what they are asking is, "How can you handle being married to someone who willing walks into a burning building??"
Well....I always start with it is NOT for the money. LOL! It is NOT for the times that we miss plans or have plans interrupted because the pager goes off. It is NOT for the holidays and events he misses with our children. It is NOT for the times the entire house is woke up because the pager goes off and he has to fly out the door. It is not for the times I play "single mom" while he is away at work for 24 hours. It is NOT for the nights I go to bed alone!! Most importantly it is NOT for the times I wonder is he safe or cry thinking "what if...?"
It is for the times I see my best friend chasing his childhood dream. The days he jumps out of bed eager to get to work (which is almost every shift). The happy moments when he can say we saved a structure today or even better we saved a life with the help of God. It is for the times he comes in and shares stories of his "extended family." The times I get to watch my friend achieve his career goals! Most importantly, the absolute love he has for his passion of fighting fires and helping those in need by serving God and his community.
So I guess my questions is...."How can I not be married to someone who is willing to risk his life, lose everything to help someone on the worst day of their life?" Yes there are times I complain. I don't always like some of what goes with being married to a firefighter however I couldn't imagine him doing anything else or me being married to anyone else!

Forever Sisters

Almost four years ago we met Emily and Anna for the first time.  Shortly after meeting them we knew they would be coming to their forever home.  We were so excited to have a bigger family.  However, more excited to give Teagan the sister(s) she has always wanted.  We involved Teagan with every step of this process because we knew the impact on her would be the greatest.  She was going from the only child to the oldest of three!!

                                                        The first  unsupervised visit!

Teagan was so excited and little disappointed their were no babies.  She had just started Kindergarten when our family changed.  She told everyone about getting sisters.  We had her help us with their room and she lovingly gave away some of her toys for them.  She was ready for playing, laughing, and starting memories.

In October the girls moved into our home.  The came home to their pink rooms complete with their own toddler beds and baby dolls waiting for them.  We will never forget the first night in our home! The girls were so happy.  They played, searched the house a million times and big sister was their following them and their every step.  She told them all about the fun things they could do in our home.

                                                First night with their Forever Family

Then the "fun" started.  Anna was B.U.S.Y and into everything.  She broke a lot of things and many were Teagan's toys.  She was not interested in playing with Teagan.  Anna did not know how to play.  If she did play it was typically only for short times with Emily.  Emily loved playing by herself or where she could be in charge.  Emily was also very protective and jealous over anyone being with Anna.  The girls were brutal to Teagan.  They would bite her, kick her, hit her, pinch her, and break her toys.  They often would gang up on her.  I could see Teagan's dream of sisters fading fast.  However, Teagan's determination and desire to "make" her sister's lover her paid off.
Fast forward four year later...The girls have matured over the last few years. They have developed some social skills and most importantly learned what being a family is all about in our home.  This past summer we have noticed a big shift in the the relationship with the girls.  They are not only sisters but becoming good friends. We have found them having a lot of 'give and take' play, giggling, sharing secrets, and creating a bond that will hopefully last a lifetime.  All three of them have grown in so many ways.  Teagan now has a better understanding of the "special needs" the girls have.  She is actually very defensive of it now.  Her feelings get hurt when her sisters have difficulties learning or when she hears they are struggling with something. When we do things with other families Teagan is starting to make sure Emily is included and will "help" her play with the others.  Emily is not as jealous of Teagan playing with Anna now. In fact she has figured out when they play she gets Mom to herself..lol. Anna is not as B.U.S.Y and is the comedian of the family.  She loves to be "babied" so she is always up for a sister to give her all the attention. She is also the "protector" and will take down anyone who is being mean.  (yes the 'baby' is the protector..lol)  Now, dont get me wrong it is not always so peachy....the girls can still be brutal...all 3 of them.  However, the difference is that they will start playing with each other 5 minutes later instead of hiding from each other all day!! I have absolutely loved watching these relationships develop and continue to pray that they will be life long friends.

Raising "Ghost Children"

Okay so I promise my next posting will be a happy one and not so deep :-)  After losing our first daughter Taryn I knew I NEVER wanted to feel that same pain again.  I can't describe the pain in any words other than saying it is not describable in words. 
Fast forwarding five months after losing Taryn I found out I was pregnant with again! WHAT?? How could I be pregnant?? No fertility drugs this time..no years of trying for a baby.  I was so nervous, scared, and determined I would not let anything happen to our baby.  (Not that I was really in control but I was going to try) Due to the difficulties of delivery with Taryn and my high blood pressure Teagan was a scheduled C-Section.  I remember one of the nurses came in and told me before surgery this baby would be the most healing things in the world for me because she had experienced the same thing.  What the nurse didn't warn me about was the overwhelming panic I was about to have to make sure my baby was "safe" on the outside  world. (My chart must have had a huge red flag on it because everyone knew we had lost a baby) At that time I didn't think much of what the nurse said to me but she was right.  Teagan did not replace Taryn but I started to feel "happy" again.  I almost felt guilty but knew this is not what her sister would want from us.
Ghost child is what someone once told me is what happens to the children after you have lost one child.  So the "Ghost Child" syndrome started about 10 seconds after they told me she was out of the womb.  I remember asking numerous times if she was okay.  Finally, I listened to what everyone was telling me and she was fine.  I knew I wanted to nurse Teagan because their is not anything better for a child other than a mom's milk.  I made certain we were nursing as soon as we were in the recovery room. The day after she was born the Dr. ordered an ECHO for Teagan because I was very worried she would have a heart defect like her sisters. I think the Dr. truly did this for peace of mind for us.  All was fine :-) 
It was time for us to go home...I did not want to go home!!! I was scared to death!! What if something would happen to her, what if she stopped breathing, what if she had something wrong and they didn't find it in the hospital, what if..., what if...! So we took her home but only in the best and safest car seat on the market. We had an ANGEL monitor placed in her co-sleeper crib that would alarm if there was no movement for 15 seconds.  Yes it went off a few times and sent Troy and I into panic mode. I remember waking up a few times certain she stopped breathing.  I would shake her, move her and nothing....she was only sleeping.  I HATED this feeling but could not let it go. 
As Teagan started to become more mobile our home was baby proofed more than any other home. I was so worried about her getting hurt. I made sure nothing serious nothing would happen. Then it did...she got into my purse one day and opened some of my medication.  I was not certain she had taken any but it was all over the floor...I FREAKED and threw up!! We called Poison Control and found out she was going to be perfectly fine even if she had most of the bottle. 
Fast forwarding nine years...we now have three children who have became "ghost children"  They better not ever be on their bike without a helmet that does not go over well in our home.  If they are outside playing and I don't hear them I worry.  When Teagan has rode her bike in the neighborhood I worry..what if someone kidnaps her, what if a sex predator is out, what if she gets hurts, what if.. what if..? When Emily goes outside and I know she has a tendency to want to venture away I worry will she go in someones home and I wont be able to find her, what if someone come by and tells her to look at a puppy in their car..what if... what if...? When Anna starts digging through the cabinets and undoing everything with child locks I worry what if she drinks some chemical, what if she cuts herself..what if.. what if...? 

Over the last year, I have started to realize I am not in control of what happens to these girls.  Only God knows their future and not matter what I do God is in control NOT me. Yes, that was even hard for me to type!! So yes I am trying to be a little braver about letting them be kids and still be safe..lol :-) I want to do what I can to keep them safe and healthy but also know I can't stop Gods Will.  I pray will never have to go through the pain of losing a child again but know I cant keep trying to control their lives and making myself sick with worry!!

War with The Invisible Illness

This is something I wrote to the Editor awhile back so many of you have read it already. Fast forwarding many months later I can tell you putting my children on medication was one the hardest decisions I ever had to make in my life.  I made myself so sick over this decision...my girls are sooo young and still "babies."  Now, I can tell you it was by far the best choices I made for my girls at this time in their life.  If I had a child who was diabetic I would give them insulin, a child who had cancer I would give chemo, a child who needed surgeries to "fix" them I would do it..I am helping fix something you can't see.  The chemical imbalance in their brain that needs some  medication to help make things "normal" for them. 
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War with The Invisible Illness

When you meet these children, you see beautiful smiling “healthy” boys and girls. What you do not know is they are children with the “invisible illness.” Children with numerous visits to pediatricians, neurologists, social workers, and psychologist trying to “see” the illness. Visits are limited to the restraints of health insurance companies who do not recognize this “invisible illness.”

Parents wake up in the morning taking a deep breath wondering how the day will be for their children. The wake their child up with great ease and tread lightly not to fire up the “invisible illness.” Will this be the day the school calls for yet another “incident?" Will they be allowed to stay in school? Will this be a day with “good choices?" It’s 10am no phone call yet…3pm and made it through another school day…Whew!.

Parents wonder is public school system meet the needs of children with this “invisible illness”…They avoid answering the question because they know they answer. A system full of preparing for tests. Teachers with record numbers of children and fewer paras to meet the demands of a shrinking budget. Administrators and teachers know this is not right. It is the game the government has made them play…for now. It is a system with fewer recesses, PE and music times, or even a time to calm the fire waiting to explode in these children.

Parents of these children have tried multiple behavior modification systems, a spiritual miracle, and all the “natural” options…they failed. The doctor calls and suggests medication to treat the symptoms of the illness. Parents struggle with the right thing to do….so much social stigma with medicating young children. They will look like failures, they will get the “look." The unknowing know they can “fix” the child after a few days with them. The parents get the medication and read the side effects a mile long…suicidal temptations, increased irritability, depression, lack of appetite, seizures, possible addiction. They wonder if they are poisoning their child. How can they give their child something with all these risks? The debate continues…one of the most difficult parenting choice yet….what if something happens can they live with the choice they made.

The child looks at them with an empty look, so much going on in their mind they do not know what is happening. Many medications and dose changes later…The anger…stopped. The phone calls from school…stopped. The mind going in a thousand different directions…stopped. The hour long rages..stopped. The sleepless nights…stopped. You look into the child’s eyes…you see wonder, happiness, thankfulness, and a sense of peace. The house is a now a home where everyone wants to be…no longer hiding in separate rooms waiting for the next “incident” but waiting for the next family game.

You see the “invisible illness” is ADHD, PTSD, ODD, OCD, Conduct Disorder, Depression, Bipolar, and Schizophrenia just to name a few. Doctors, blood tests, and machines cannot see in the head as you see a missing limb, a chromosome disorder, a blind person, or a heart defect. These are children with Mental Health Issues…the “invisible illness.”

Society has placed such a negative view on the “invisible illness.” The children are not to talk about what makes them who they have become through nurture and nature. These children will have a lifetime of obstacles as with any other illness. These obstacles will be overcome with therapies and possibly medication as with any other illness.

Next time you are in line at the store and you see a child who has gone “crazy” or hear about the child who made “bad choices” at school all day…..know they are the children who need the relationships the most. They are the ones in a war with the “invisible illness”….they need friends, they need support, and they need to know they are not battling this war in their head alone!!! Do not give the parents the “look” for allowing their child to act that way…know this may be a child who fights this “invisible illness” all day without a break….know this parent is exhausted mentally and physically beyond imagination.

These children just may be the next Hans Christian Anderson, Ludwig Von Beethoven, Winston Churchill, Kurt Cobain, Charles Darwin, Emily Dickenson, Thomas Edison, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Betty Ford, Paul Gauguin, King George III, Johan Goethe, Ernest Hemingway, Victor Hugo, Ignatius of Loyola, Thomas Jefferson, John Keats, Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther, Michelangelo, Florence Nightingale, King Saul, Robert Louis Stevenson, Sir Isaac Newton whom suffered from mental illness. Will you be able to say you helped that child????

Loving A Whole Lot Of Crazy!!!

It is not uncommon anymore to hear of or know some individuals with "Mental Illness."  Typically these individuals are described as "odd, out of control, hyper, sad, disturbed, mean, anti-social, dumb, impulsive, etc. If they are children the first thing you hear is "that parent does not have control, the parent is too strict, they are really messing that kid up, that child will never be allowed to play with my child, or  I could make that child follow the rules."  As a parent having two children with mental health issues I really want to say, "I would give you one night in my home on a "rough night" and I can guarantee you would take off running out the door and never look back!!

You see my husband and I adopted two little girls.  We were told they were "typically developing children with no issues." However, that was not the case...and before I can go any further let me just say I WOULD NOT change my beautiful girls for anything in the world!! I do not look back and dream about what could have been but I look forward to what will be :-)

Our little girls were not typically developing they were quite delayed actually and they also had numerous behavior problems.  Our youngest has ADHD and I honestly will not be surprised if she does not have some learning disabilities when formal testing can be done.  Her sister has ADD, NOS Mood Disorder and PTSD.  She also struggles with learning in some areas.

I can tell you being a mother of children with these issues can be exhausting, overwhelming, depressing, scary, and also the most rewarding.  The most frustrating part for me is to see all the wonderful qualities in my children but many people only get to see their "bad" qualities. The qualities that make them say, "that parent does not have control, the parent is too strict, they are really messing that kid up, that child will never be allowed to play with my child, or I could make that child follow the rules." I want to say...bring it on!! Yes, I have made mistakes in parenting.  However, parenting children with these illnesses do not come with a fail proof manual.  What I have found is not one parenting class, book, social worker or psychologist has all the right answers but it is a combination of all of that and A LOT of prayer. 

My prayers are that people who happen to see a child who is "out of control" will stop before judging the child and/or parents.  It is not an illness/disease you will be able to see like others but one that is just as debilitating.  Please know this child can not often control what they do, they are not meaning to act the way they do, and most importantly they want and need to be accepted just as other children are accepted. Do not feel sorry for the children/parents but offer support.

 If you are a teacher do not go to the break room and talk about the "terror" you have in your classroom that ruins learning for everyone else instead talk about what you can do to help the child. Yes they are a challenge but your job is to educate all children not the ones that are easy to educate. (This has not happened to my knowledge with my children but I do know it happens.)

My heart aches every time they tell me they don't have friends or  another child will tell me "My mommy says I can't play with her."  These girls bring me so much joy to my life. I will continue to be their number one advocate and do all I can to help them reach their fullest potential.

The Story of Sugar Bear

This is the story of our first daughter Taryn or more famously known as Sugar Bear!!! Taryn Marie Jellison entered this world on February 12, 2002 at 5:04am. She was born at Via-Christi St. Joseph. She weighed 6lbs 7.9oz and was 17 1/2 inches long. Shortly after being born she began her life in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Taryn was born with Down Syndrome and an atrioventricular canal heart defect. Taryn had to work hard on things most of us take for granted. Taryn's heart defect and low muscle tone caused her to have a very difficult time with drinking from a bottle let alone the energy she would burn with her heart not working at full capacity.  After about five weeks of working with Taryn she was still struggling to drink from a bottle. At this time the doctors decided to perform a gastrostomy (placement of feeding tube) on Taryn.
On March 24, Taryn was finally able to come home with Mommy and Daddy. Taryn began physical, occupational, and speech therapy along with early childhood education with the staff at Bright Beginnings. Taryn loved to play "possum" and pretend she was not awake when they came to her house. She knew it would be time to work. Taryn also loved to listen to Daddy sing to her and watch tv with him. Mommy enjoyed taking baths with Taryn and reading the Bible to her.
Taryn was three months old when she took her first long road trip. We were on a journey to the Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, MO. Taryn was going to have a repair on her AV Canal Defect by Dr. Lofland. We took Taryn on her first shopping trip at the Plaza in downtown Kansas City the day before heart surgery. She went into her first toy store, FAO Schwartz. We bought her first Groovy Girl Doll.
May 21st was surgery day for Taryn. The surgery team started shortly after 7am am was finished by noon. The surgery went excellent! About an hour after surgery Taryn developed some blood pressure problems. She became very critical. Dr. Lofland decided he would need to reopen her chest and leave it open. Taryn's chest was open for over a week before she drained off enough fluid from her heart to close it back up.
June 7th we finally were able to come home from the hospital. Mommy and Daddy just held her and loved her. Saturday June 8th, Daddy went to be with Uncle David when he married Lindsey in Topeka. Mommy stayed with Taryn at home. Grandma Marilyn and Aunt Jennifer came to help Mommy since she was so nervous about being at home along with Taryn.  Taryn smiled her first social smile when Mommy called her a little "turd". It was wonderful!!! Taryn was a little fussy and wanted to be held all of the time. Mommy loved it!! Daddy came home on Sunday and for the first time Taryn got to meet her Great Grandparents, Tommy and Vicki, and her Great-Great Grandma Edna. Taryn started to become very fussy but seemed to be doing well. Later that night Taryn took a bottle and pacifier. She was not able to do this before because of her gag reflex and lack of energy!!  Yeah Taryn!!
Mommy and Daddy stayed up with Taryn very late that night and got in what we now know as her last cuddle times. Shortly after 7am Grandma Marilyn arrived and we called Dr. Harrington to find out if we needed to do anything with Taryn to help her because she was still a little fussy but seemed to be okay on the outside. She thought we needed to go to the ER room to have her checked out just to make sure nothing was wrong on the inside. Ten minutes later Taryn started gasping for air. Mommy called 911 and began CPR. Daddy responded on his firetruck along with EMS and took over on CPR. Taryn took her last breath at home. We got to the hospital and the doctor's tried to help Taryn but were unable. It was time for Taryn to be home with God. No more pain, no more suffering, but in the most wonderful place!!
We were so happy to have four months with Taryn. She was an absolute blessing and gift from God!!! Our hearts ache with her death and not a day has gone by that she does not enter our minds. We will never be the same again, we will never forget, and we will always love our Sweet Sugar Bear!!

Where to start???

Well....I have jumped into the world of Blogging! I am not sure how much I will blog, what all I will write about or how this will go!! My intentions are to keep a blog of the "voice" inside my heart that is often rambling about faith, family, friends and life in general.  Perhaps someday it will be used as a journal to share with my daughters as they become older.