Fast forwarding five months after losing Taryn I found out I was pregnant with again! WHAT?? How could I be pregnant?? No fertility drugs this time..no years of trying for a baby. I was so nervous, scared, and determined I would not let anything happen to our baby. (Not that I was really in control but I was going to try) Due to the difficulties of delivery with Taryn and my high blood pressure Teagan was a scheduled C-Section. I remember one of the nurses came in and told me before surgery this baby would be the most healing things in the world for me because she had experienced the same thing. What the nurse didn't warn me about was the overwhelming panic I was about to have to make sure my baby was "safe" on the outside world. (My chart must have had a huge red flag on it because everyone knew we had lost a baby) At that time I didn't think much of what the nurse said to me but she was right. Teagan did not replace Taryn but I started to feel "happy" again. I almost felt guilty but knew this is not what her sister would want from us.
Ghost child is what someone once told me is what happens to the children after you have lost one child. So the "Ghost Child" syndrome started about 10 seconds after they told me she was out of the womb. I remember asking numerous times if she was okay. Finally, I listened to what everyone was telling me and she was fine. I knew I wanted to nurse Teagan because their is not anything better for a child other than a mom's milk. I made certain we were nursing as soon as we were in the recovery room. The day after she was born the Dr. ordered an ECHO for Teagan because I was very worried she would have a heart defect like her sisters. I think the Dr. truly did this for peace of mind for us. All was fine :-)
It was time for us to go home...I did not want to go home!!! I was scared to death!! What if something would happen to her, what if she stopped breathing, what if she had something wrong and they didn't find it in the hospital, what if..., what if...! So we took her home but only in the best and safest car seat on the market. We had an ANGEL monitor placed in her co-sleeper crib that would alarm if there was no movement for 15 seconds. Yes it went off a few times and sent Troy and I into panic mode. I remember waking up a few times certain she stopped breathing. I would shake her, move her and nothing....she was only sleeping. I HATED this feeling but could not let it go.
As Teagan started to become more mobile our home was baby proofed more than any other home. I was so worried about her getting hurt. I made sure nothing serious nothing would happen. Then it did...she got into my purse one day and opened some of my medication. I was not certain she had taken any but it was all over the floor...I FREAKED and threw up!! We called Poison Control and found out she was going to be perfectly fine even if she had most of the bottle.
Fast forwarding nine years...we now have three children who have became "ghost children" They better not ever be on their bike without a helmet that does not go over well in our home. If they are outside playing and I don't hear them I worry. When Teagan has rode her bike in the neighborhood I worry..what if someone kidnaps her, what if a sex predator is out, what if she gets hurts, what if.. what if..? When Emily goes outside and I know she has a tendency to want to venture away I worry will she go in someones home and I wont be able to find her, what if someone come by and tells her to look at a puppy in their car..what if... what if...? When Anna starts digging through the cabinets and undoing everything with child locks I worry what if she drinks some chemical, what if she cuts herself..what if.. what if...?
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